Grief is a strange thing.
For those of you who don’t know, we have begun the process of adoption. We decided to foster to adopt, so we went through the process of becoming a licensed foster home. During this journey, at two different points we were told that a child was going to be placed in our home. And at two different points, we were told that that was not going to happen.
With the first child, it was a situation where the kids and I never had visits with him, and so it never felt real to me. I purposely didn’t want to know much about him and I never wanted to meet him until I knew that we were moving further in the process. I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting attached.
With the second child, we had already had family visits with the child, and were, as a family, actively talking about the possibility of adopting him. Due to some things outside of our control, we now know that that boy will be placed with another family as well.
Though the circumstances were different, it still makes me wonder what God has planned for us.
When I shared our situation on Facebook, many of my friends committed to praying for us, and I am grateful for their prayers. I truly do feel a peace that I didn’t have when I initially posted. But now I’m faced with the grieving process. I know that I didn’t know the boy for very long, but there’s something different about meeting someone who you are told could be added to your forever family. You think differently. You feel differently.
I’m feeling stuck now between feelings of peace and sadness and anger. Honestly, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling. There are times when I feel OK, and there are times, like when I took Kamryn on a daddy-daughter date yesterday, that I feel happy. Yet in that happiness, I felt a tinge of guilt. Can I truly feel happy when this has happened? I asked my friends and family to pray, and I genuinely feel saddened by the situation – I feel the loss – yet now I find myself feeling joy with my daughter. Is that OK?
I’m going this weekend with Logan to Seattle for a guys’ weekend for the Seahawks playoff game. Am I allowed to feel happy and excited to take my son to his first home Seahawks game? If people see me being happy, posting pictures of our fun, will they feel like maybe I wasn’t so heartbroken after all? Should that matter? I don’t know.
All I know is that my emotions are wide-ranging right now and all I can do is be honest about them. I can’t control what people think about me, and I’m going to try not to worry about that and just live in the moments that I have with Logan this weekend.
God sees the whole picture and has a plan. I choose to trust in that and trust that God will never leave me, and that God loves me no matter how I might be feeling at any given moment. Thank you, friends, for your continued love and support! It means the world to me.