Peace in the Midst of Unrest

Let’s just be honest. Today I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Yes this week is a busy week, but today’s overwhelmed feeling feels different. I don’t know why.

At the Ministerial Alliance meeting yesterday, one of the activities we did was to draw a clear rock out of a bowl. The clear rock was to remind of us our baptism and indwelling of the Holy Spirit. On the rocks were the Fruit of the Spirit. The instructions were to either draw a rock and see what the Lord brought you, or find a rock with the word you wanted. As you might have guessed, I just reached in.

The rock I got was “peace.”

I smiled to myself when I saw what word I had drawn, because honestly that’s not how I’ve been feeling as of late. Hurried and busy would be a couple of good words. During this past weekend excited and joyful would be on the list. But peace? No way.

What is it about that word that makes me revolt against it so strongly? It’s as if it’s a foreign word with little relevance to my life right now. On my personal spiritual retreat, the words I came away with were, “I will fight.” And yet, the fruit of the Spirit is peace.

I did a quick word study for “peace,” as found in Galatians 5’s list of the Fruit of the Spirit. Strong’s says that peace is “Particularly in a single sense, the opposite of war and dissension. Among individuals, peace, harmony. Metaphorically peace of mind, tranquility, arising from reconciliation with God and a sense of a divine favor.”

Looking at that last sentence, I wonder if I have “peace of mind arising from reconciliation with God and a sense of divine favor”? I certainly have been reconciled with God through my faith in Jesus, but what about the “sense of divine favor”? Do I really sense a divine favor?

If I stop and look at it, certainly I do. But is that what I’m focusing on most of the time? No. And there it is. That’s the reason I don’t feel at peace. I am focusing on the wrong things. Instead of focusing on the craziness of life, I need to focus on two things.

First, I need to focus on the fact that I am reconciled to Christ through my faith and baptism in Him. Second, I need to recognize all of the blessings that God has given me. I need to be thankful for my family, my friends, my church, and most of all, the salvation given to me at Calvary (see point 1!). If I can remain in a state of gratitude for what God has blessed me with, and be reminded that God has always been there for me in my times of need, that will help me remember that he will be here in my current time of need, frustration, and busyness.

So my friends, I wish you peace.

Advertisements

Grief is a Strange Thing

Grief is a strange thing.

For those of you who don’t know, we have begun the process of adoption. We decided to foster to adopt, so we went through the process of becoming a licensed foster home. During this journey, at two different points we were told that a child was going to be placed in our home. And at two different points, we were told that that was not going to happen.

With the first child, it was a situation where the kids and I never had visits with him, and so it never felt real to me. I purposely didn’t want to know much about him and I never wanted to meet him until I knew that we were moving further in the process. I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting attached.

With the second child, we had already had family visits with the child, and were, as a family, actively talking about the possibility of adopting him. Due to some things outside of our control, we now know that that boy will be placed with another family as well.

Though the circumstances were different, it still makes me wonder what God has planned for us.

When I shared our situation on Facebook, many of my friends committed to praying for us, and I am grateful for their prayers. I truly do feel a peace that I didn’t have when I initially posted. But now I’m faced with the grieving process. I know that I didn’t know the boy for very long, but there’s something different about meeting someone who you are told could be added to your forever family. You think differently. You feel differently.

I’m feeling stuck now between feelings of peace and sadness and anger. Honestly, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling. There are times when I feel OK, and there are times, like when I took Kamryn on a daddy-daughter date yesterday, that I feel happy. Yet in that happiness, I felt a tinge of guilt. Can I truly feel happy when this has happened? I asked my friends and family to pray, and I genuinely feel saddened by the situation – I feel the loss – yet now I find myself feeling joy with my daughter. Is that OK?

I’m going this weekend with Logan to Seattle for a guys’ weekend for the Seahawks playoff game. Am I allowed to feel happy and excited to take my son to his first home Seahawks game? If people see me being happy, posting pictures of our fun, will they feel like maybe I wasn’t so heartbroken after all? Should that matter? I don’t know.

All I know is that my emotions are wide-ranging right now and all I can do is be honest about them. I can’t control what people think about me, and I’m going to try not to worry about that and just live in the moments that I have with Logan this weekend.

God sees the whole picture and has a plan. I choose to trust in that and trust that God will never leave me, and that God loves me no matter how I might be feeling at any given moment. Thank you, friends, for your continued love and support! It means the world to me.